Cloud Gets
by Org.XIIIisbetterthantheAkatski
Summary: The brother fic to my other KH story, "Leon Gets...". A bunch of crackish drabbles about Cloud. OOC-ness. Crack. Clerith. Current chapter: Cloud gets lost with Yuffie, but he's too stubborn to admit it.
1. A Bodyguard

**AN**: Yo, peeps! Since the brother fic (or rival fic, if you will), "Leon Gets…" was so popular, I decided to make a Cloud Gets…"! So here it is, as promised! Originally, this was gonna be up on the Fourth of July as a sort of gift for all my readers, but since I freak out whenever /I set a deadline for myself, it didn't happen. But hey! Better later than never, right? And this chapter is dedicated to my friend ForbiddenKHfan216 as a little going away present.

**Disclaimer**: Okay, if I owned anything, do you actually think I would be writing FANfiction?

--

Cloud Gets…A Bodyguard!

Leon was sitting in the living room, reading the daily paper quietly. 'Was' being the key word. The quiet was broken when a certain spiky blond ran in the house, slamming the door behind him, also making sure to lock it, before diving behind the couch. Leon blinked before sighing.

"Do I even _want_ to know?" he asked. Cloud peeked up from his spot behind the couch.

"I'm hiding." he said quietly. Leon cocked his eyebrow slightly.

"From what?" the brunet asked. The blond looked around carefully, as if to make sure whatever he was hiding from wasn't listening, before replying.

"Tifa." Cloud said, barely above a hoarse whisper, making Leon almost miss what he had said.

"Tifa." Leon repeated in a tone that said, 'Oh, my God, you are such a moron.' Cloud nodded rapidly before ducking his had back behind the couch. Leon stood up and walked over to the couch, pulling Cloud up by his collar.

"Should I ask _why_ you're hiding from Tifa?" he asked.

"She scares me." Cloud squeaked. Yes, _squeaked_. Leon resisted the urge to face-palm or, better yet, slap Cloud.

"Maybe I should make a list of all the things that scare you…" the scarred man muttered. Cloud expression of fear quickly left his face and was replaced by one of anger.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" he asked with a scowled. Leon rolled his eyes.

"Let's see here…Giving in to the darkness, commitment, the dentist, Tifa, admitting I'm better than you…" he listed.

"Okay, that last one isn't even a fear! That's your stupid delusion of grandeur!" Cloud shouted.

"Oh, my God, he knows what grandeur means." Leon said in mock shock. Cloud growled.

"Y'know, I _should_ slap you, but I'm not going to, because I'm bigger than that." the blond said. Leon shrugged.

"Alright then. I'll do it for you." he said. Before Cloud could question what he meant by that, Leon slapped Cloud upside his head. The blond's hand instinctively flew up to the spot on his head where Leon had hit.

"Okay, that's it! I'm not gonna take this! See ya!" Cloud shouted before angrily unbolting the door and stalking out, closing it with a loud '_SLAM!_'. Leon sighed.

"…3…2…1." he counted off under his breath. By the time he hit one, Cloud was back inside the house, panting heavily with a look of panic on his face.

"You remembered Tifa's out there?" Leon questioned with a small smirk playing on his face. Cloud nodded as his breathing pattern returned to normal.

"So what? You're just gonna hide in the house for the rest of your life?" Leon asked.

"Not the rest of my life! …Just until Tifa leaves." Cloud corrected. Leon rolled his eyes slightly.

"Tifa lives in Radiant Garden, too, genius. Chances are, she's not leaving anytime soon." the brunet said. Cloud seemed to slip back into his state of panic before grinning widely.

"I got it!" he shouted. Leon looked at him in confusion.

"Got…what exactly?" he asked.

"An idea! All I need is a bodyguard that'll hide me from Tifa!" the blond shouted. Leon scoffed.

"Yeah, a bodyguard. Sure. Where are you gonna find a sucker dumb enough to do that?" he asked. Cloud smirked.

"I'm looking at him." he said. Leon's eyes widened slightly.

"Okay, 1: I'm not dumb, ands 2: No way in hell." he said. Cloud looked at the ceiling and put his hand on his chin, as if thinking.

"Well, actually…you have to." he said. Leon glared at him.

"I don't _have _to do anything." he said. Cloud grinned.

"Yeah, you do. Because, if I'm remembering correctly, when I tutored you in math back in eighth grade, you said, and I quote, 'Thanks, man. I owe you one.'" the spiky blond said.

"I never said that!" Leon said. Cloud nodded.

"Yeah, you did. Because I also remember asking to get that in writing. Which you gave me. Wait here." he explained before walking up the steps. A few minutes later, Cloud returned, holding a crumpled up and slightly torn piece of paper. He handed it to Leon, who read it.

'_I, Squall Leonhart, hereby agree to owe Cloud Strife one favor which he may collect in any amount of time. Failure to comply with this statement will result in a torture of Cloud Strife's choosing._'

"You've got to be kidding me." Leon said in disbelief. Cloud shook his head.

"Nope. I made sure to keep that close all these years in case a problem like this came up. And it has, so you've got to help me unless you want to go through a torture of my choosing. And I think streaking while wearing clown make-up would be fitting for breaking a promise like this." he said with a mischievous grin. Leon, after a moment, sighed.

"…Fine…stupid contract…"

--

Leon walked down the streets of Radiant Garden with Cloud following close behind. It had been an hour-and-a-half since Leon agreed to serve as Cloud's bodyguard, and, so far, it was turning out to be hell. As a bodyguard, Leon was under the command of Cloud, meaning he _had_ to go wherever Cloud went, lest he _wanted _to run through the streets of Radiant Garden with no clothes on and brightly colored makeup adorning his face.

"I hope you know I hate you." Leon growled irritably.

"You should hate yourself for ever agreeing to owe me one." Cloud replied smugly with a grin. Leon sighed to himself.

_That's probably because I was thinking you meant something smaller like doing you science homework for a month or something along those lines…_, the brunet thought, remembering how in the past, Cloud would hopelessly struggle with his science homework, night after night. It was a wonder Cloud passed that class without a tutor.

_No…he probably did have a tutor. The all-knowing master source otherwise know as the Internet._, Leon thought, but was broken out of his reminiscing when Cloud gave a sharp yelp.

"What?" Leon asked, even though he had already guessed the answer.

"Tifa!" the blond yelped, ducking into a nearby alley.

"Hey, Leon!" he heard the mentioned woman call out to his bodyguard. He pressed himself up closer to the alley wall to keep himself from being caught.

"Tifa. What's wrong?" he heard Leon address her.

"Have you seen Cloud around here anywhere?" Cloud bit his lip nervously.

_Why the hell does she always want to know where __I__ am? Why is it never Aerith? Or Cid?!_, the blond asked in his head.

"Strife? No, thankfully…" Leon said. At first he felt anger grow inside of him at that statement, Cloud then realized Leon was trying to be inconspicuous.

_Huh. Leonhart's better at this than I thought. It's like he's had practice or something._, he thought. He was dragged out of the safe haven known as his mind when the wall he was leaning up against shook slightly.

"Dang it! Why does he keep running from me?!" he heard Tifa ask angrily and then figured that the rumble he felt was Tifa's fist connecting with the building's wall. Cloud wanted to say, 'Cuz you're scary!' but he stopped himself, knowing that would blow his cover.

"Maybe he's just a coward." Leon commented. Cloud grit his teeth angrily, figuring that Leon was enjoying this conversation.

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna keep looking for him. Bye, Leon!" Tifa said and Cloud heard running footsteps that faded in the distance.

"You can come out now. The big, bad Tifa's gone." Leon said and when Cloud walked out of the alleyway, he saw the brunet leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed.

"'Maybe he's just a coward'?!" the blond asked angrily.

"Isn't that why you got me to do this? Because you're scared of Tifa?" Leon asked with his eyebrow cocked. Cloud was about to give an angry reply, before realizing that Leon was right. That _was_ why he got Leon as his bodyguard. He glared at the scarred man.

"Shut up and come on." Cloud said before walking off down the street with his hands in his pockets.

--

"I don't really see why I have to guard the bathroom door."

The statement came from Leon as he sat on the hallway floor, right next to the bathroom door. Inside the bathroom was Cloud, taking his shower. The brunet drummed his fingers on the wall as he leaned the back of his head up against the wall.

"Hey, you don't know! Tifa could try sneaking in the window!" Cloud called back over the sound of running water.

"Okay, I know you think Tifa's 'scary', but she's not some freaky psycho stalker."

"Then why's she always looking for me?!"

"Because you're always running from her!"

"And I wouldn't, if she wasn't always stalking me!"

Leon sighed, figuring that the conversation was going to go nowhere. Finding nothing better to do, he pulled the 'contract' from when he and Cloud were kids from his pocket. He had been holding onto it since he agreed to be Cloud's bodyguard. Reviewing it for a loophole for what seemed to be the millionth time, he noticed something he hadn't realized before. Just as his eyes narrowed on the slip of paper, Cloud walked out of the bathroom with a towel tied around his waist.

"C'mon, Leonhart. I already told you there's no loopholes in that written statement." the blond said, giving an annoyed sigh. Leon stood up, holding the paper angrily.

"This isn't even my handwriting!" he shouted. Cloud's eyes widened.

"Wh-what are you talking about? Of course it is!" the blond protested. Leon shook his head.

"No, it isn't! I never wrote like this, not even back in eighth grade!" he said, shoving the sheet of paper in Cloud's chest.

"You…you're delusional!" Cloud said.

"No, I'm not! You forged this!" Leon told him. Cloud paused for a moment.

"Okay, it depends what you mean by 'forged'." the blond replied. Leon glared at him.

"I'm outta here." the brunet said before walking away. Cloud started to let panic overtake him.

"Leonhart, wait! You can't stop being my bodyguard yet! What about Tifa?!"

--

**AN**: So there you go. "Cloud Gets…" chapter one. As in "Leon Gets…", ideas are accepted. Just send 'em in in your review!

**Next Chapter:** Cloud gets attacked!

A certain evil furball comes back…with a vengeance! And Cloud's the target! (all you "Leon Gets…" fans know who I'm talking about!)

R&R!!!


	2. Attacked

**AN**: Hey, guys! Took me a while, but I'm back! It was the damn summer homework, I swear! Whatever, I'm here now, so I don't really need excuses, do I? On with the story!

**Disclaimer**: Guys, come on! I can't even afford a pack of non-sugarfree gum from the corner store! How am I supposed to own _Kingdom Hearts_?!

--

Cloud Gets…Attacked!

Cloud walked down the street with his Buster Sword slung over his shoulder, whistling the tune of "If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickelback. He had just finished up his patrol and was heading home for the day, which was a _beautiful_ day at that. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was Pizza Night. He was just walking down the steps from the Marketplace (where he had given a friendly wave to Scrooge McDuck) when he heard something behind him. A _meow_.

Now, Cloud had never been one for cats. He had always been more of a dog person himself. And the incident with the demon kitten only increased his extreme dislike of animals of the feline variety. So whenever he came across a cat on the street, he would give it a brief glace before quickly walking off, not giving it a second thought.

Not this time. No, _this_ time…that was impossible.

It had almost gone that way. The first step of giving a quick glance had gone perfectly: Cloud looked over his shoulder slight before turning back in front of him without any cares in the world for the cat. It was the double take that ruined Cloud's routine.

He glanced _back_ over his shoulder, this time getting a better look at the cat. Brown fur, sky-blueish eyes, very young (still a kitten, in fact)…Cloud gulped slightly. His worst nightmare had come true…well, second-worst nightmare if you count the one with the evil dentist…

Leon Jr. had come back.

The kitten was sitting on the stair 4 or 5 steps above him. Cloud slowly turned around on the stairs, careful not to make any sudden movements. He and the cat were now facing each other. He could see out of the corner of his eye that he was only a few steps away from the bottom of the staircase, so he began to slowly descend the steps backwards.

Leon Jr. leapt at Cloud and hit him with enough force to send both of them tumbling down the remaining steps. After hitting the concrete at the bottom of the steps, Cloud (thankfully unhurt) looked at the cat that had latched onto his chest and struggled to get the feline off.

Leon Jr. felt the spiky blond trying to get away and hissed in annoyance. The kitten then dug his claws deeper into Cloud's flesh, drawing blood. The blond, in response, grit his teeth and grabbed Leon Jr. by the scruff of his neck. Once he had a firm grip on the cat, Cloud yanked the cat off, breathing deeply. Leon Jr. hissed at him, this time in anger. Cloud yelped slightly, tossing the cat away and grabbing his Buster Sword, which had slipped from his grip when he had fell down the steps. Without looking back, he ran off into the Borough.

Leon Jr. immediately gave chase to his prey, surprisingly fast for a small kitten. Once he had caught up with the blond, Leon Jr. jumped on Cloud's back, once again pushing him to the ground and making him lose his handle on his weapon. The cat then clawed at Cloud's neck, drawing more blood. The blond, in return, grabbed at the ball of fur on his back, getting a good grip on the kitten's middle.

Cloud brought the kitten to in front of him, glaring at the brown ball of fur. Leon Jr. seemed to glare right back at him. And then, in the blink of an eye, the feline's claws lashed out, getting Cloud across the face. The blond shouted out I pain, dropping Leon Jr. in surprise. The cat landed on the ground, yowling at the blond.

Cloud stumbled away slightly, reaching up to the spot on his cheek where the cat had scratched him. As soon as his hand touched his skin, he could feel a warm, thick liquid trailing down his face. Glancing at his fingers, Cloud grimaced. Blood. Just as he thought. Then, he realized something.

He had forgotten about the cat!

The blond looked up, just in time to see the demon cat leaping at him. He tried to roll out of the way, tried to get out of the paws of evil, but he was too late.

Cloud's screams could be heard all the way from the Great Maw.

--

The door opened, and Cloud limped in, covered in scratches and blood and dirt. Yuffie was the first one to notice, and she cringed at the sight of him.

"Whoa, Spike! What happened to you?! The Heartless acting up again?" she asked loudly. Leon seemed on edge, internally begging for Cloud's answer not to concern the Heartless. Radiant Garden didn't need another one of those 1000 Heartless swarms. The blond shook his head slightly.

"No…" he panted. "Demon cat."

--

**AN**: I know: this is short. But don't worry, the next one is a continuation with everyone thinking that Cloud's crazy! That'll be fun, right?!

**Next Chapter:** Cloud gets proof!

When nobody believes him about Leon Jr.'s return, Cloud sets out to _prove_ the demon cat is still out there! However, Leon Jr. has been on the DL for weeks, and plans to keep it that way.


	3. Proof

**AN**: Whassup, dudes! The (somewhat) sequel to "Cloud Gets Attacked!", "Cloud Gets Proof"! Um, so…go ahead and read it. Seriously. Stop reading this AN. Like, NOW!

**Disclaimer**: Don't own it. No questions asked.

--

Cloud Gets…Proof!

"…What?" Leon asked. Cloud glared at him.

"You heard me! That damn demon cat is back!" the injured blond shouted. Yuffie looked at him uncertainly, before getting up from her spot on the couch to look Cloud in the eye.

"Um, Cloud…Leon Jr. is _gone_. He's been gone for months now." she told him, but Cloud shook his head rapidly.

"No! He's _back_! I swear! You think I would make something like this up?!" he shouted angrily.

"Are you sure you weren't just seeing things? Like a hallucination or something?" Leon asked. Cloud shot him a venomous glare.

"Are you calling me crazy?! I'm serious! You think I did this to _myself_?!" the blond asked, motioning to his many cuts and scratches, some of which were still bleeding.

"Maybe while you were fighting the Heartless, you hit your head, and you had a _dream_ where you were attacked by Leon Jr." Yuffie said. Cloud growled.

"_No!_ The freakin' cat did this! I didn't hit my head, and I'm _not _going crazy!" he said, directing the last part towards Leon. At that moment, Aerith walked into the room.

"What's all the yelling about?" she asked in a much calmer tone than Cloud was using. Said spiky blond turned to her with slight desperation in his eyes.

"Aerith! You…you'll believe me, right?" he asked, almost pleading. Aerith looked at him in confusion and shock.

"Believe you about what, Cloud? And what happened to you?" she asked.

"It was Leon Jr.! Honestly! I'm not kidding around!" Cloud shouted frantically. Aerith looked over at Leon and Yuffie in questioning.

"We think he may have hit his head on patrol, causing a hallucination making him believe he was attacked by Leon Jr." Yuffie told her.

"Either that, or he's going insane." Leon said. Cloud glared at the both of them.

"Stop that! You guys, I'm serious! Leon Jr. did this! …You believe me, right, Aerith?" he asked her hopefully. She paused.

"…Cloud, come on. Let's bandage up these cuts of yours." Aerith said after a moment, trying to lead Cloud into the kitchen. He stared at her in shock.

"You don't believe me!" Cloud accused her. Aerith once again tried leading Cloud into the kitchen where the first aid kit was.

"Cloud, we need to clean your scratches before they get infected." she insisted. The blond sighed in disappointment.

"…Alright…"

--

"I don't believe them! They all think I'm crazy! Even _Aerith_! Why wouldn't they believe me?!" Cloud, now in his room with all the cuts and scratches inflicted on him by Leon Jr. bandaged up, ranted to his two pet piranhas, Bruce and Riley, the only two fish he had never been tempted to kill. They both just stared back at him dumbly, unblinking. Cloud glared at them.

"You two are no help." he stated, lying down onto his bed. As he stared at the ceiling, he sighed.

"I mean, I know I'm not going crazy. I _was_ really attacked by that cat. I wasn't hit on the head or anything! I just…need some way for them to believe me… What do you guys think?" Cloud asked the two fish, glancing over at them. The only response he got was Riley blowing some bubbles at him. His brow furrowed.

"I'm talking to fish. Maybe I _have_ gone insane…" Cloud muttered to himself, putting his hands behind his head and turning his attention back to the ceiling. Then, he jolted upright with a grin.

"I got it! All I have to do is get some proof to _show_ that the cat is back!" Cloud said to himself. Jumping off his bed, he grabbed some paper and a pencil and sat down at his desk, already forming plans in his head.

--

A few hours later, Cloud's 'ingenious' plan had been put into motion. It was the kind of plan you'd see in cartoons or the Sunday comics: a looped rope, kind of like a lasso. When the target stepped onto the loop, all that was needed to be done was to cut the string that was attached to the rope, causing the loop to wrap around the target's ankle and the victim to dangle off the ground upside-down by their ankle. The bait of Cloud's choosing: tuna. A basic plan that took Cloud two hours to come up with.

"…Stupid Leonhart and his stupid seafood allergies…making me have to go to the store and buy my own tuna…" Cloud muttered to himself, putting the finishing touches on his trap. Once he was pleased with everything, he grinned.

"But it'll all be worth it once that cat is caught and everybody sees that I _was_ right and that I'm _not_ crazy." he added out loud, not noticing the fact that he was talking to himself. Looking over his trap one more time, he noticed one crucial part was missing: _the bait_.

"What the… I just… Okay, there was a pile of fish meat right there a minute ago!" Cloud said, pointing to the center of the rope loop, once again talking to himself. Then, he paused as he heard a light mew. Whipping his head around he noticed the very thing he was trying to catch.

"You!" the blond growled out to the brown kitten. Then, he saw the remnants of tuna fish on the cat's whiskers. Cloud clenched his fist.

"Oh, so that's it, huh? You're gonna sabotage my traps now?" he asked. Leon Jr. only responded by licking the last bit of tuna off of his whiskers and unsheathing his tiny claws.

"…Wait, wait, what're you doing?" Cloud asked. Leon Jr. then moved his claws over to the string that would spring the trap. The blond's eyes widened.

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no…don't you _dare_!" he shouted. The kitten's claws moved a little closer to the string.

"I'm…I'm warning you, cat! _Don't_ do it!" Cloud warned again, but Leon Jr. wouldn't listen to him, and he moved his claws even closer the string. Cloud gulped slightly. If the cat even _twitched_, the trap would be sprung and he would have to start all over again.

"Okay, how 'bout we make a deal? You don't cut the string, and I-" Cloud proposal was cut short as Leon Jr. yawned and cut the string. The trap went off and Cloud just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. As the spiky blond dangled over the street by his ankle, he watched as the brown kitten trotted off.

"…Clearly, I'm dealing with an evil mastermind here…" he muttered, folding his arms across his chest. He reached up and tried to untie the knot for the rope around his ankle, but it was tied too tight. Cloud groaned.

"Well, that's great. That's just _fantastic_. …And now I'm losing feeling in my ankle! Damn, I hate that cat…" he muttered to himself.

"…_What_ are you doing?" Cloud looked down to see a certain shape shifter demon. Xed crossed his arms.

"What does it _look_ like I'm doing?! I'm hanging upside-down by my ankle over the street!" Cloud shouted. Xed raised an eyebrow.

"…Right. I'm guessing you want some help?" the demon asked.

"Yes, help would be very much appreciated." Cloud said, glaring at the offending rope that held him suspended in the air. Xed rolled his eyes and in a matter of minutes, the rope was cut and Cloud hit the ground…_hard_.

"H-hey! You couldn't of just let me down _gently_?!" Cloud shouted, rubbing the back of his head in pain.

"You just asked for help. You never said anything about not getting hurt in the process. Now…I know I gonna regret asking this, but…_why_ were you hanging upside-down by your ankle over the street?" Xed asked.

"I was trying to catch a cat and the plan backfired…" Cloud muttered bitterly, once again cursing Leon Jr.'s existence in his head. Xed paused.

"…A cat. You were trying to catch…a cat." he repeated in a flat tone. Cloud glared at him.

"_Yes_, I was trying to catch a cat! What's so weird about that?!" the blond asked. Xed shook his head, muttering something that was along the lines of calling Cloud a moron.

"You want to catch a cat? Wait here." he said before walking off. Cloud watched him go in confusion. A few minutes later, Xed returned with a little baggie. He tossed it to Cloud.

"There. Catnip. Sprinkle some of that in your hand and you'll attract almost every cat in town." Xed muttered before walking off down the street. Cloud stared at the baggie in his hand in shock.

"…Catnip?! Why didn't _I_ think of that?!" he asked himself before slapping his forehead. He sprinkled some of the dried leaves into his hand at waited. Then, after a moments, he felt a slight pressure on his back which then moved up to his shoulder. Chancing a glance over, Cloud saw Leon Jr. staring curiously at his hand with the catnip sprinkled in it. The kitten jumped down from Cloud's shoulder before sniffing at the catnip in Cloud's palm.

…_Okay, the cat is within reach… Just gotta grab it… Slowly…no sudden movements…_, Cloud thought, reaching down at the kitten with his other hand. However, Leon Jr. noticed this and jumped back, yowling and hissing angrily at Cloud, who, in turn, glared at the cat.

"What're you yowling about?!" he asked angrily. The kitten hissed at him.

"What, the catnip?! Yeah, so what?! I tricked you! _Big deal_! It just goes to show you you're not as smart as you thought." Cloud shouted at the angry cat. Leon Jr. meowed angrily before pouncing at Cloud.

Commence mauling sequence.

However, the _real_ Leon just happened to be walking by when he noticed the struggle between man and cat. He blinked a few times, trying to process what was happing right in front of his eyes. Cloud then noticed him standing there and pulled the cat off before glaring at Leon.

"Do you believe me _now_?!" the blond asked angrily. He wasn't able to get answer, though, because the next minute later, Leon Jr. once again latched onto him, causing Cloud to be throw right back into the "battle". Leon watched the two fight for a while longer before sighing.

"Where's a video camera when you _need_ one?" he asked to himself.

--

**AN**: So there ya go! …Poor Cloud. It almost makes me feel sorry for him…almost. And did anyone notice the joke about Cloud saying he's _not_ crazy, but spending most of the chapter talking to himself? I just thought that was funny.

**Next Chapter** (idea from Yunie Tatlin)**:** Cloud get handcuffed!

Yuffie handcuffs Cloud to Leon as a joke... only she loses the key.

R&R!!!


	4. Handcuffed

AN**: Hiya, guys! Uh…it's been awhile, no? Yeah, I know…I've been bad… But I'm here now! So…don't kill me? Please?**

**Disclaimer**: …Do I _look_ like Tetsuya Nomura to you?!

--

Cloud Gets…Handcuffed!

When Cloud woke up that morning, he knew something was going to go wrong. There was odd feeling of dread that had settled within him that he just wasn't able to shake. At breakfast when he notice Yuffie had a gleam of mischievousness in her eyes, the feeling grew. However, the day continued on just like any other day, and the feeling of impending doom slowly diminished.

And as the day continued on as normal, so did the time-honored tradition of Leon and Cloud getting into an argument.

"Listen, Strife. I don't care what you say; I didn't cheat! You _lost_. I won, fair and square."

"Oh, come _on_, Leonhart! What's the use in lying to yourself?! You and I both know that that match was not regulation!"

"_Regulation?!_ It was a goddamn sparring match!"

"Yes, a sparring match that was not regulation."

The argument had started up around 4 in the afternoon. The two had taken a few minutes of their time to form a sparring match as they usually did from time to time. Leon was the victor of the sparring match, but defeat was something that Cloud didn't put up with. Especially not when the person he was defeated by was Leon.

Cloud immediately called a foul, claiming that Leon had cheated. Leon denied said claims, insulting Cloud in the process. The argument had continued on their trip back home and was still raging by the time the two men were relaxing in the living room.

"Strife, face it. I won and you lost. _Deal with it_." Leon said irritably as Cloud continued to protest the outcome of the sparring match.

"No, I will not 'deal with it'! Not when you cheated!" the spiky blond shouted in an outrage. Leon rolled his eyes.

"For the last time, I did _not_ cheat. Drop the subject already!" he growled in frustration, quickly growing tired of the old argument. Cloud glared at the scarred brunet from his spot on the couch before leaping up and throwing a punch directly at Leon's face. The other man reacted naturally, bringing a hand up to block Cloud's fist. However, just as Cloud's fist hit Leon's hand, a metal ring was hooked around each of their wrists. A chain connected the two rings together, forming the invention known to many as the handcuffs.

"Finally!" Yuffie shouted as she closed the handcuffs around Leon's and Cloud's wrists. "I've been waiting for the perfect moment to spring these on you all day!"

"Yuffie! What the heck?!" Cloud shouted angrily, instinctively jerking his hand back slightly, in turn pulling Leon's wrist with him.

"Oh, relax, Spike! It's just a joke!" the young ninja said, rolling her eyes.

"Alright, joke's over. Un-cuff us." Leon said irritably.

"Aw, but Squall-" Yuffie tried to protest, but she was cut off.

"_Now, _Yuffie." Leon growled as his eyes narrowed on her. Yuffie gave a little whine.

"Okay, fine. But you two are no fun at all." she said as she reached into her pocket for the key. After a few moment of searching in one pocket, she checked in the other pocket, mumbling to herself. After a few minutes of checking her pockets for the handcuff key, he looked up at the two already irritable men and gave a nervous chuckle. Cloud gave her a look of realization.

"…Don't tell me you lost the key." he said, with some slight insecurity in his voice. Yuffie paused.

"…Okay, I won't tell you that I lost the key, but Aerith says that I'm not supposed to lie." she said after a moment.

"Yuffie!" both men shouted in exasperation. The female ninja held her hands up in defense.

"Whoa, whoa, relax guys! I…I can fix this! I'll just go back to the shop and ask the guy for a replacement key! No big deal!" she said in an attempt to relax Leon and Cloud.

"No big deal…yeah, right! I'm still stuck handcuffed to this guy until you can get that other key!" Cloud said angrily.

"Hey, I'm not exactly happy about this either, Strife!" Leon growled to the spiky blond. Yuffie shuffled her feet slightly, looking down while fidgeting slightly. Honestly, she was kind of happy that the two were directing their anger at each other and _not_ at her. Slowly, she looked up at the two to find them about ready to rip each other's throats out. But then again, Leon and Cloud were always like that, so there wasn't much of a difference there.

"…Right. Well…I'm gonna go get that replacement key now!" Yuffie said, and she ran out the door before either of the men could have the chance to kill her or even say anything to her. Leon and Cloud stood there dumbly for a moment before they reregistered the situation in their minds.

"Well, this is just great…" Leon muttered under his breath irritably as he glared at the metal chain the kept him bounded to the one person he couldn't stand.

"…Wait a minute. Just 'cause we're handcuffed doesn't mean we have to be hooked together!" Cloud stated as if it were obvious. Leon glared at him.

"Yeah, it does, Einstein. Or did you forget about the metal chain keeping us together?" Leon seethed, holding up their wrists to eyelevel, the aforementioned chain jingling with the sudden movement. Cloud rolled his eyes and yanked his wrist back down, bringing Leon's with it.

"_No_, I didn't forget about the stupid chain! But in case _you_ forgot, we could just break the chain! We have weapons!" the spiky blond pointed out.

"Uh, no. No way." the brunet said, dismissing the thought almost immediately. Cloud's brow furrowed.

"What? Why not?! It's a perfectly good idea!" he shouted.

"Because both of us are right-handed. But since my right hand is chained up, you would have to be the one to handle the sword, and honestly, I don't trust you to not slice off my hand." Leon said in a flat tone. Cloud scoffed, looking away while muttering something along the lines of '…you big baby…'. Leon glared at him.

"I heard that." the Gunblader growled.

"Whatever. So, what? Are we just supposed to wait here until Yuffie gets back with that replacement key?" Cloud asked. Leon shrugged.

"I guess so. But who knows how long that could take? She might stop to get ice cream." he said.

"Or get distracted by something shiny…" Cloud muttered angrily, sitting down on the couch. Leon sat down next to him without a word. The next few minutes were quiet, until Cloud spoke.

"You know…this whole situation could have been avoided if you had just admit that you cheated during that sparring match!" the spiky blond said angrily. Leon grit his teeth in frustration.

"Strife, how many _fucking _times do I have to say it?! I. Did not. Cheat!" he shouted, completely fed up with the entire argument at this point.

"Yeah, you _did!_" Cloud retorted. He still refused to believe that Leon, of all people, would be able to beat him in a fight, even if that fight was only a sparring match. Then, in a spur of the moment decision, he grabbed the morning paper, rolled in up into a cone, and smacked Leon upside the head with it.

"Ah! H-hey! What the hell?!" Leon shouted, trying to grab the newspaper out of Cloud's hand. Cloud, in turn, pushed Leon off the couch and onto the floor. However, he had momentarily forgot that the two were handcuffed together and was pulled down on top of Leon. The brunet took advantage of that small window of time while Cloud was briefly distracted and grabbed the rolled-up newspaper out of the spiky blond's hand. He then hit Cloud with the newspaper on the head. This then caused a wrestling match over the newspaper to break out among the two, which was slightly difficult, seeing as the two were still handcuffed together.

"Leon! Cloud! Yuffie! I'm back from the…store…" Aerith's voice trailed off as she walked into the living room, only to find Cloud with Leon pinned on the floor with one hand as he used the other to smack Leon across the head with a rolled-up newspaper multiple times. As she watched in quiet shock, Yuffie came bounding in with a key in her one hand, slightly out of breath.

"Hey! Hey, guys! I got…I got the replacement key! It wasn't easy; I had to…oh." the young ninja stopped her explanation to watch to two older men continue their childish fight.

"…Yuffie, do you know what's going on here?" Aerith finally managed to ask after her initial shock. The younger girl grinned sheepishly.

"Uh…yeah, kinda. Now that I think about it…I probably shouldn't have left them here alone…especially not they were handcuffed together…" she muttered. At that point, Leon managed to look up and glare at Yuffie while defending himself the best he could against Cloud and his rolled-up newspaper.

"You _think?!_"

--

**AN**: Finally! It took me a while, and a couple bottles of Coke, but I finally got this chapter finished! Whoo! And now…I gotta go study for my test on "The Cask of Amontillado". God, I love that story, but I _hate_ tests! Anyway, enough of my whining. Hopefully, the next chapter won't take as long to post, _and_ the next chapter of "Leon Gets…" should be up soon!

**Next Chapter**: Cloud gets…lost!

While on a mission in the Land of Dragons, Cloud and Yuffie wind up stranded in the bamboo groves. But of course, Cloud's got too much of an ego to admit he has no idea where they are.

R&R!!!


	5. Lost

**AN**: Yo, whassup, guys? …You know, besides the sun, the sky, the moon, the stars, and all that other crap… Whatever! Enough of that stupid question! On with the chapter!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Waddle Doos, Leon's magic whip, Mecha Birdo, the All American Rejects, Delicious Fruit, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Bellboy's tea set from Phoenix Wright, Nancy Drew's all-knowing checklist that seems to write itself, the Wightslayer, Griever, Tetris, Snifits, Shy Guys, C-4s, or Solid Snake. I'd just like to point out that most of that shit isn't even in this chapter.

-x-

Cloud Gets…Lost!

They were _not_ lost.

Cloud _knew_ they weren't lost. Even the mere thought of them being lost was ridiculous! Cloud Strife did _not_ get lost. Yet Yuffie did not seem to comprehend that fact.

"Spike, the sooner you admit that we're lost, the sooner we can stop wandering around like idiots!" the young ninja huffed, glaring at the back of Cloud's head. The man's eye twitched as he glanced over his shoulder at her, jaw clenched.

"Dammit, Yuffie! We aren't lost; stop saying that we are!" Cloud growled through his grit teeth. Yuffie stopped and crossed her arms.

"Oh, yeah? Then, tell me, Cloud: just where are we?" she asked, her foot bringing up tiny clouds of dust as she tapped it impatiently on the ground. Cloud froze in his tracks and blinked stupidly as he tried to come up with an answer to that question.

"…Somewhere in China!" he finally shouted at her, his anger now refueled. Before Yuffie even got a chance to rebuke that answer, Cloud continued walking, making sure to speed up his pace a little to keep ahead of her. However, Yuffie bounded up next to him and managed to maintain the same speed as him, making his tactic to avoid her questions by staying ahead of her fail.

"Y'know, maybe we should just stop for a moment, to get our bearings and stuff." she suggested in an attempt to allow them to find where they really were, instead of having Cloud lead them in circles. The blond warrior sighed in irritation.

"Even if we were lost, which we're _not, _what bearings could we possibly get? We're surrounded by _bamboo_!" he asked through grit teeth. Yuffie through her hands up in frustration.

"I don't _know_! But it'll be better than just wandering around like idiots until dark when the Heartless swarms'll find us!" she shouted, glaring at the older man venomously. Cloud glared back and the two stood in a deadlock for a few moments. Finally, Cloud gave a defeated sigh.

"Fine. We can stop. It's getting late as it is, so we can make camp here for tonight. But we are _not_ lost."

-x-

Cloud absentmindedly poked at the fire he had created with a half charred piece of bamboo. The sound of rustling caused him to glance up at Yuffie, who had been getting some more sticks for the fire, since neither of them knew how long they would need to keep the flames going.

"You managed to get any '_bearings_' while you were out there?" the blond asked sarcastically. Yuffie threw him a dirty look.

"Oh, shut up, Spike." she spat, dropping the bamboo pieces before sitting on the dusty ground next to the fire. She rubbed her hands against her arms as the cool breeze blew on her bare skin. The ninja sighed before hugging her knees to her body.

"…I miss Aerith's homemade hot chocolate…" Yuffie mumbled, resting her chin on her knees. Cloud rolled his eyes before glaring at her, the flickering fire casting shadows across his face. The effects almost gave him the appearance of an angered demon.

"If you hadn't made us stop for the night, we could be home right now and you could have some of Aerith's hot chocolate." he growled, narrowing his eyes. Yuffie's head shot up.

"Hey, don't you try blaming this on me! You're the one who _swore_ that you knew where we were! Maybe if _you_ hadn't got us lost in the first place, we wouldn't be sitting here in the cold, poking at fire like a couple of primitives!" she shouted.

"God_dammit_, Yuffie! We weren't lost!" Cloud yelled back, tossing the half burned stick into the fire and standing up. Yuffie stood up to and was about to rebuke his argument, but the sound of rustling stopped both of them short.

"…You hear that?" Cloud whispered, slowly reaching for his Buster Sword which he had imbedded into the ground next to him before creating the fire. Yuffie made a move for the shurikens attached to her belt.

"You think it's the Heartless?" she asked, keeping her voice low in stunning contrast to her tone of voice just a few moments ago. At much as people might not believe it, Yuffie could be quiet in a situation that called for silence. She _was_ a ninja, after all.

"…Might be. Stay on your guard." Cloud muttered back, their past argument forgotten amongst the threat of Heartless. The rustling continued for a few more moment until through the thicket of bamboo, they could see a single orange light.

"Who's there?" a male voice called out from the forest of bamboo. Slowly, a couple of soldiers in armor emerged, along with the orange light, which turned out to be a burning lantern. Yuffie and Cloud both lowered their weapons and their guards dropped.

"Well? Who are you?" the other soldier prompted. Cloud spoke up first.

"Uh…we're travelers. We had lost our way and we had just set up camp here for the night." he explained with some difficulty. He hadn't expected for them to stumble across any locals on this mission, and he wasn't good at making up stories on the spot.

"We didn't mean any harm." Yuffie added in, in case they were in trouble for starting a fire or setting up camp on private property or something. However, the soldiers now didn't seem angry, but instead confused.

"…'Lost your way'?" the first soldier repeated, to confirm what had already been said. Cloud sighed.

"Well, I wouldn't say 'lost', per se…" he replied, trailing off as he tried to think of a proper way to explain their predicament. However, before he could, Yuffie interrupted.

"Spike, we were lost and you know it!" she said before giving a groan of frustration as she wondered just _why_ it was so hard for Cloud to admit that had had gotten lost.

"We were _not_! I knew where we were going!" he shouted back, clearly irritated with this conversation already. Yuffie was about to make a comeback to his statement, but the second soldier cut in.

"Excuse me, but…the army's encampment is just a few minutes that way. If you were lost, I'm sure the general would have no issues with pointing you in the right direction." he stated, turning and pointing behind him. Yuffie waited a moment to allow this information to sink in before she turned to Cloud, giving him a glare that would make Heartless run in fear.

"You mean…that all this time…we were right next to _civilization_?" she shouted to Cloud, who gave a sheepish grin.

"Uhh…I knew that! I was going to lead us that way b-before you made us stop!" he replied, although you could tell he was obviously lying. Yuffie's eyes narrowed.

"Cloud Strife, I swear I am going to kill you when we get home! …Right after I get some of Aerith's hot chocolate!"

-x-

**AN:** Yeah, whaddaya know? I'm back in the game and raring to go! I guess that makes a bunch of you guys out there happy, right? And for all of you "Leon Gets…" fans reading this, I working on that one too, so no worries!

**Next Chapter:** Cloud gets pranked! (Idea from GypsyKate)

An anonymous prankster is terrorizing everyone in town. Cloud is not amused...and he wants revenge!

R&R!


End file.
